MELISSA SHULTZ STILL REMEMBERS THE DUALITY of her father, a man who could be both a source of warmth and a storm cloud in her life. Growing up, she described him as playful and quick to laugh, a compelling storyteller who influenced her own path as a writer. He offered great bear hugs and thoughtful gifts, like a pink 'princess' phone during her teenage years and toys for her sons once she became a mother. Intimate moments, such as when she cut his hair, provided a quiet closeness without the need for words. Even in tough times, like the end of her engagement, he stepped up, helping pack her belongings and driving her home.
Yet, Shultz, now in her 60s, also recalls a darker side to her father, one marked by intense anger that led him to lose control. He would freeze her out for months if she challenged him and even called her names in front of her children. When he died while she was in her 30s, Shultz grieved deeply, though she wondered if they ever truly understood each other. Her story, shared in a recent article in The Atlantic, echoes the experiences of many women navigating complex bonds with their fathers.
Research suggests that father-daughter relationships often lag behind other family ties in closeness and emotional depth. A 2022 study analyzing national longitudinal data found that about 28 percent of women in the U.S. are estranged from their fathers, a figure slightly higher than the 24 percent of sons estranged from theirs but far exceeding the 6.3 percent of children of any gender estranged from their mothers. Even when estrangement doesn't occur, these bonds tend to be less intimate. A 2010 study revealed that adult daughters feel less comfortable discussing personal issues with their fathers than with their mothers, often turning to dads for practical support rather than emotional care.
Linda Nielsen, a professor at Wake Forest University who has dedicated much of her career to studying father-daughter dynamics and authored five books on the subject, has described it as the weakest parent-child relationship. While many women enjoy close, loving connections with their fathers, the evidence points to widespread challenges. Earlier works, such as Victoria Secunda's 1990s book Women and Their Fathers, based on interviews with 150 daughters and 75 fathers, highlighted 'astonishingly rare' enriching attachments, with most relationships characterized by excessive distance. Similarly, Peggy Drexler's 2011 book Our Fathers, Ourselves, drawing from dozens of women's interviews, noted daughters frequently saying, 'I love my dad, but …'
This divide inflicts pain on both sides. Nielsen wrote in her book Father-Daughter Relationships that a woman's bond with her father can influence her mental health and romantic partnerships. A 2023 study indicated that parents, particularly fathers, who maintain regular contact with their adult children report higher life satisfaction on average. Fathers and daughters who drift apart often express a deep yearning for connection, yet struggle to bridge the gap.
At the heart of this modern father-daughter divide lies a mismatch in expectations. Historically, fathers have been less involved in their children's lives, especially daughters', compared to mothers. However, contemporary children seek greater emotional support and egalitarian interactions. Many fathers, according to experts, have found it difficult to adapt. The result is not always a dramatic break but a relationship that fails to evolve fully.
In interviews with a dozen college-educated women for The Atlantic piece, most described bonds with their fathers lacking depth. Conversations remained superficial and awkward, with fathers rarely showing vulnerability. Several mentioned fearing their father's anger, while others noted infrequent hugs or one-on-one time. Nielsen emphasized that 'parenting time is closely related to the quality of your relationship with that parent,' pointing out that many fathers and daughters simply don't accumulate enough shared moments.
Time disparities are evident in data. The 2024 American Time Use Survey shows women with children under 6 spend about an hour more per day on child care than men. When fathers do engage, they traditionally allocate more time to sons. A 2012 study of children ages 8 and older in brother-sister families found sons spending more time with their dads than daughters. By high school, the gap widens dramatically: 17-year-old girls averaged less than 30 minutes a week of one-on-one time with their fathers, compared to more than an hour for boys—the lowest among family pairings.
Teenage dynamics play a role, with boys often seeking more dad time and girls gravitating toward mothers. But Will Glennon, author of the 1995 book Fathering based on interviews with hundreds of fathers, noted that many dads withdraw from adolescent daughters, uncomfortable with puberty's changes. 'That stage felt volatile, and the dads had "no idea" what their daughters were dealing with—so they withdrew,' Glennon said. He admitted struggling similarly with his own teenage daughter.
Divorce exacerbates these issues for nearly one-third of American children whose parents separate. Only about a third of separations lead to equal joint custody, with mothers more often becoming primary caregivers. As a result, 21 percent of U.S. children do not live with their biological father, per the Census Bureau. A 20-year study on post-divorce relationships found that three times more daughters than sons reported significant deterioration in their bond with their father. Family therapist Candace McCullough in Maryland identified divorce and affairs as among the most damaging factors in her practice.
Societal shifts have reshaped these dynamics. For much of history, unmarried daughters depended on fathers for financial support, fostering bonds based on duty and deference. Over the 20th century, as women gained education and independence, this foundation eroded. Today, adult children desire ongoing closeness with both parents, but fathers often feel unprepared, according to psychologist Joshua Coleman, who specializes in family relationships.
'What generates closeness is another person’s vulnerability,' Coleman explained, noting that many fathers, raised in repressive, hypermasculine environments, struggle to meet daughters' emotional needs. Niobe Way, an NYU professor researching men and boys, attributed part of the disconnect to such upbringings, adding that daughters are generally more free to express feelings. Women interviewed for the article, including Claire, a 43-year-old educator in France whose mother died by suicide 20 years ago, expressed frustration over their fathers' emotional reserve. 'I’m just like, ‘Show your emotions,’' Claire said, longing to discuss her mother but never broaching the topic with her dad.
Louise, a former doctor in her 40s in England, described her father shutting down discussions of his personal life. Min, a 29-year-old originally from South Korea now in London, said her father focuses on practical help—like luggage transport or ensuring she's eaten—rather than inquiring about her age or job. 'He’s quite patriarchal; he’s very male-orientated,' she said, linking it partly to South Korean culture and noting frequent 'cultural clashes.'
Fathers feel the sting too. Glennon observed that daughters sometimes brush off their dads, saying, 'No, I can’t talk, I’ve got things to do,' leaving men confused and hurt, perpetuating the cycle. Yet, positive changes are underway. Modern fathers perform three times more child care than those in 1965. Some advocate for better joint-custody laws or choose to stay home from work. Nielsen stressed that men are no less nurturing than women; many regret time away from their children.
Solutions often center on intentional effort. Nielsen advocates for more quality time, regardless of differing communication styles. Several women interviewed planned annual road trips or joint counseling with their fathers. Therapist Shadi Shahnavaz, who has facilitated sessions for fathers and adult daughters, found these relationships among the quickest to improve. For Shultz, healing arrived after her father's death, as she empathized with his painful childhood. Coleman, estranged from his own daughter for years, reconciled by embracing egalitarianism and vulnerability, allowing her to set the reconciliation pace. Slowly, he said, they achieved genuine closeness, offering hope that strained bonds can mend.