By Emily Chen, The Appleton Times
In an era where social connections often feel fleeting amid busy lives and digital distractions, a simple emoji is emerging as an unlikely tool for fostering deeper friendships. The concept, dubbed 'strawberry people,' encourages individuals to mark their phone contacts with a strawberry emoji to highlight those who bring genuine kindness and emotional safety. Originating from personal reflection and shared online, this strategy has caught the attention of therapists and social psychologists, offering a low-tech way to prioritize meaningful relationships.
Sam Dylan Finch, a writer and advocate based in the San Francisco Bay Area, developed the strawberry people method during a period of isolation in his early 20s. After a close-knit friend group unraveled due to internal dating dynamics and the sudden death of a member, Finch found himself excluded from the reformed circle. 'We had holiday dinners, and game nights, and it felt really lovely,' Finch recalled in a recent interview. But the fallout left him in what he described as 'hermit mode,' prompting deep self-analysis of his friendship patterns.
Finch identified several personal hurdles: he often deprioritized friendships in favor of romantic pursuits, acted as a people pleaser constantly seeking to 'earn' kindness, and gravitated toward emotionally unavailable individuals. Kindness from others made him uneasy, as 'it didn’t feel earned, and I didn’t feel like I deserved it.' Determined to change, Finch compiled a list of everyone in his social orbit—from current friends and old acquaintances to coworkers—and added a strawberry emoji next to the names of those whose warmth made him nervous in a positive way.
This small digital marker transformed Finch's approach to relationships. 'It completely changed my life,' he said. The emoji served as a visual cue, reminding him to respond promptly to messages from these priority friends, even when overwhelmed. Previously, he'd ignore texts to avoid the pressure, but now, seeing the strawberry prompted immediate engagement. Finch also introduced seedling emojis for people who challenged his thinking and spurred personal growth.
The practice extended beyond contacts; Finch began reflecting on interactions post-hangout, asking himself, 'how did that feel?' or 'how did that feel in my body?' He noted physical cues—tension versus relaxation, nourishment versus drain—to ensure his strawberry people were those who left him feeling safe and energized. This mindfulness helped him curate a social circle aligned with his emotional needs.
Finch's story gained traction when he shared it in a thread on X, formerly Twitter, earlier this year. Social psychologist Devon Price encountered the idea there and incorporated it into their 2022 book, Unmasking Autism. Price, who focuses on neurodivergence, saw parallels to the concept of 'safe people' often recommended for autistic individuals—friends around whom one can unmask without fear of judgment.
Psychotherapist Michaia Walker, practicing virtually from New York City, first learned of the strategy through Price's book and began discussing it with clients in early 2023. 'It’s really similar to a concept of ‘safe people’ that we often use with folks with neurodivergence,' Walker explained. For people with autism, identifying safe friends is crucial, as it allows them to lower their guards and be authentic. Walker noted that in crises, people often default to family or frequent contacts for support, but these may not provide the emotional intimacy needed.
The strawberry emoji acts as a 'good visual reminder and mental shortcut' for accessing true support networks, according to Walker. While particularly beneficial for neurodivergent individuals, Walker emphasized its universal appeal: 'This strategy could be really helpful for anybody looking for ways to track and maintain emotionally close friendships, whether you’re neurodivergent or not.' Customization is key; one could add a suitcase emoji for work-related strawberry friends or a flower for personal ones, or even swap the strawberry for another symbol representing desired friendship qualities.
Walker suggested teaching the method to children to instill early awareness of healthy, emotionally safe bonds. Starting small is advisable: begin with three to five strawberry people to avoid overwhelm, especially for those unaccustomed to active friendship cultivation. 'You can build up to 10 or more,' Walker said, depending on one's social capacity.
This aligns with established psychological research on social limits. Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar's work, spanning decades, proposes that humans maintain about 150 stable relationships overall, but closer tiers are more constrained. Dunbar posits capacity for three to five very close friendships, up to 15 'best' friends for favors like childcare, and around 50 'good' friends for larger social events, such as 'big-weekend-barbecue people.'
Once identified, strawberry people require intentional nurturing. Finch recommends defining what that means personally—regular check-ins, timely responses, or shared activities. He advocates for open communication: 'The meta conversation, the conversation about the relationship, is normalized in romance and not enough in friendship.' Sharing intentions fosters mutual effort, though Finch advises against labeling someone a 'strawberry person' directly, as it might require unnecessary explanation. Instead, express a desire to cultivate the friendship intentionally.
Importantly, the system isn't hierarchical or exclusive. 'We’re not doing a MySpace Top 8,' Finch quipped, referencing the early 2000s social networking feature that ranked friends publicly. The emoji simply flags sources of kindness and fulfillment, guiding energy investment. Designations aren't fixed; like 'tending a garden,' contacts can gain or lose emojis as relationships evolve.
While Finch's method stems from personal experience, its adoption by professionals like Walker and Price underscores its potential broader impact. In a post-pandemic world where loneliness has surged— with U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declaring it an epidemic in 2023—tools like this could help rebuild social fabrics. Finch continues using the strategy, crediting it with more purposeful connections.
Experts caution that while emojis offer a starting point, deeper work like therapy may be needed for entrenched patterns. Walker, for instance, integrates it into sessions but pairs it with discussions on boundaries and self-worth. As social media amplifies such hacks, from productivity tips to wellness routines, the strawberry people idea highlights a return to analog reflection in a digital age.
Looking ahead, Finch hopes the concept encourages vulnerability in platonic bonds. 'Unless you tell them, it’s difficult for people to know how important they are to you,' he said. For readers intrigued, the first step is simple: review contacts and add that emoji to those who make kindness feel possible. In doing so, they might just cultivate the friendships that nourish long-term well-being.